Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
