Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
