when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Mom said you looked used
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
