just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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