First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
How's work?
Spinning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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