New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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