Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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