Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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