Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
