I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
