he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
