I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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