After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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