My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
