I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
