Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
