It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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