just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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