Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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