all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
