We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
