All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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