Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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