I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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