There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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