Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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