So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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