I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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