there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
