walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
