I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
