Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
