mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
