The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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