I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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