so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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