I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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