You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
