Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
either way he was missing a nipple.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
