hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
