I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
