How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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