just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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