I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
