How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
