What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
