She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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