Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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