One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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