why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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