Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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