Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
