Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
