i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
