you're like a bully in the Christmas story
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
