...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
