I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
